My mom is a very sweet, very good person. I mean, really good. I’ve never heard her say the word “crap.” You can imagine all the words beyond “crap” that I’ve definitely never heard her say.
Driving home tonight after a long work-gym-groceries day, I called her for a chat. She was probably being a good neighbor handing out Halloween candy. Her phone went to voice mail, but I didn’t leave a message because, well, she’s my mom. If she sees my missed call, she’ll call me back. I hit “end” and set the phone in my lap.
I was in the far left lane, following a respectful distance behind a car that should probably have gotten over into the lane to the right but that was still moving along at a nice pace. Dude behind me thought I was going too slow, though, and proceeded to get so close to my back bumper that I couldn’t see his headlights or hood in my front mirror. There were cars on the right, so he couldn’t speed past that way.
“Where do you think you’re gonna go, A-hole?!”
‘Cause I like to talk out loud to other drivers when I’m alone in my car. And this is one of the least offensive things I say.
I really dragged out the “-hoooooole,” and that’s right about the time that I looked down to see that I did not, in fact, end the phone call that my mother’s answering machine picked up. I quickly grabbed the phone, maybe heard the tail end of the beep, and ended the phone call – for real this time.
I’d say it’s a 50/50 chance that my mother got a voice mail from me tonight that just says, “…A-hole?!”
She hasn’t called me back yet.